To continue the Women’s Crisis Center’s discussion about domestic violence awareness, installment number two, focuses on emotional abuse.
As we mentioned last week, domestic violence manifests in many different types. Some types are more easily recognizable with outward signs. For example, physical abuse, which is the most commonly pictured type or domestic violence, is recognizable by outward signs of: bruises, cuts, burns, unusual markings, and the less obvious signs which are: social isolation or withdrawal, depression, anxiety, and possibly drug or alcohol abuse.
Tactics of emotional abuse include: constant criticism, shaming and blaming, threats, verbal abuse (name calling and belittling), refusal to accept responsibility when wrong, mind games (gaslighting), isolation of victim from support systems, and withholding affection as punishment or refusal to communicate/silent treatment(for days or weeks) as punishment.
Emotional abuse may be hard to recognize if you are a bystander. However, if someone is a victim of emotional abuse he or she knows it is real and extremely detrimental. You may have been somewhere when emotional abuse was taking place. You probably sensed something was off, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. You may have witnessed a conversation that seemed normal, but the reactions that accompanied it seemed strange. If this happened, it is likely you have witnessed an instance of gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a tactic an abuser uses to gradually gain power and control over a victim. Gaslighting may seem like an innocent mistake or misunderstanding on the abuser’s part, in the beginning, but over time its results are powerful. An abuser saying things like, “I never said that. You are making things up again.” “Why are you so sensitive all the time?” “I don’t want to talk about this again.” “Are you sure? You know you have a bad memory.” (taken from The National Domestic Violence Hotline.) Over time this will cause a victim to question his or her own sanity herein lies the problem. After a prolonged period of gaslighting, a victim will rely on the abuser’s mental stability more and be less inclined to leave.
Here are some signs a victim has been gaslighted according to The National Domestic Violence Hotline. A victim will second guess himself or asks himself am I really too sensitive several times a day. A victim often feels confused, feels he cannot do anything right. A victim feels he is always apologizing to his partner or to his family for his partner’s behavior.
The victims of emotional abuse will not look battered and bruised, but inside there is emotional turmoil. Can you imagine always being wrong, always being stupid, always being useless or hopeless or a mistake? Words have power, and the words we hear about ourselves most often, will be what we believe about ourselves. An emotional abuser is savvy. She knows how to roll her eyes and make her partner look stupid. She knows how to persuade a group to degrade her partner in a way that seems playful to them yet the victim feels the sting. She knows how to change a small detail and stick to it making her partner question his own memory. Like all types of domestic violence there is a cyclical nature to emotional abuse. In addition to the name calling, threats or fact changing, the last part of the cycle is the punishment. In physical abuse this is where the battering starts, for emotional abusers they use the silent treatment and withholding affection or attention.
The punishment is designed to keep the victim frustrated and anxious. A victim is constantly apologizing for things that he knows he did not do. The withholding of affection gives the abuser power because she decides when to let her victim feel relief. Punishment may be doled out for anything; the abuser forgetting about an appointment that she made for herself, her partner saying hi to a stranger in a way that sounded too flirty, the victim going to see a friend when the abuser said that he could. It sounds outlandish, but this is the reality that a victim of emotional abuse lives in. To be given the silent treatment for days or weeks in your own home is maddening as well as psychologically scarring. The abuser knows what she is doing; she calculates and carries out her punishment so she can stay in control. An emotional abuser is insecure, thus tries to break her victim’s confidence. Because of the punishment, a victim will inevitably take the blame to end the silence. Just like any other form of abuse, there is no way to tell how long the “peace” will last. Signs of deterioration will emerge and the cycle will continue. Although the damage is not physical, situations of emotional abuse are serious.
The easiest way to show emotional abuse is through a scenario. In this scenario Jill is the abuser and Tom is the victim.
Jill and Tom have been married for 8 years, and both have emotional baggage from previous relationships. Last week both agreed that Tom would go to his cousin’s birthday party which Tom was hosting in their home on Saturday while Jill would go to her niece’s graduation party at her sister’s house. Saturday morning Jill regrets choosing the graduation party over her husband’s party. Jill finds several things to criticize, but Tom stays composed. Guests arrive and Jill doesn’t want to admit that she made the wrong choice. She pulls Tom into their bedroom slamming the door behind them. Her angry voice is heard beyond the door belittling Tom while his family listens helplessly. Jill emerged from the room, flustered, with clothes clutched in her hand. She makes no attempt to dismiss herself as Tom comes out of the room looking embarrassed. Jill stayed at her sister’s house for two days ignoring Tom’s calls. When she finally called Tom, she argued that she was mad because he promised, on Wednesday, that he would come to the end of her niece’s party. She claimed that he changed his mind on Saturday just to make her mad. Tom never made that promise, but he apologized to regain the peace. Similar events like this have happened three times in the past year.
Because emotional abuse leaves psychological scars rather than physical ones, victims have a hard time getting people to understand the seriousness of the issue. Issues with self-esteem, depression, and anxiety must be overcome by victim-survivors of emotional abuse.
Our tips, from The National Domestic Violence Hotline, for supporting a victim of domestic violence are: “3. If they end the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. 4. Encourage them to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.”
To survivors and supporters alike, remember this: “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Hellen Keller
For more information please contact the Women’s Crisis Center’s 24 hour hotline at 1-800-928-6708.
