Ladies and Gentlemen, it is war. There are those who have wasted our time with trifles like Global Warming, Mass Extinction and Donna Brazille’s hiring at Fox News. Meanwhile, the real threat to humanity likely is not around us, but probably attached to us.

A species of tick already known for its ability to kill your desire to live has picked up a new trick. Hmmm. A tick with a trick. It makes me sick. However, as much as I know you would enjoy a Dr. Seussian take on this, the problem is too serious.

The Lonestar Tick (figured it would be named after Texas), is a double threat. Aside from the little bugger’s main weapon (death), this insidious insect has decided to carry what is called the Bourbon Virus.

Now, for those of us in Maysville, the Birthplace of Bourbon, the response to a Bourbon Virus might be along the lines of, “Tasty! How bad can it be? Make mine a double!” Sadly, the virus can be lethal. Best advice? Keep on the B-Line for your Bourbon Fix.

But we’re losing our focus. Let’s go back a step, Campers. Sure, the Bourbon Virus can be fatal. But this little sucker can also inflict a pain worse than death: an allergy to red meat.

Allergic to red meat? You know that bacon is considered red meat under the nutritional definition (as opposed to the gastronomic definition). Steak is meat. Hamburger is meat. Country fried steak dripping in sausage gravy is meat.

The stakes (steaks) have now become too serious to ignore. What’s next – the Beer Beetle? The Pizza Parasite? The Milk Moth?

Wonderful. Mankind felled by being compelled into eating nothing but leafy green vegetables. Historians can call our demise the Osteoporosis Extermination. Or, in a nod to our Eco-friends, the Green Devolution.

Well, after losing our bone density and lack of taste, what does humanity do? Devolve into Blobs, chasing after Steve McQueen in cheesy 1958 Sci-Fi movies?

What would we call ourselves – Oozians? Blobites? Fluo-Americans? Which brings up another host of questions. As amorphous blobs, how do we separate ourselves into separate groups so we can cry about cultural appropriation, segregation and the Bachelor? As globs of…of…whatever, where will we mark dividing lines so we can discriminate? How will cable news survive?

Perhaps we blobs will have different projectiles jutting from the ooze. We could set up a caste system based on a blob’s number of projectiles.

There is no guarantee our Blobulation (see what I did there?) will develop different gel tones. Curses! We can’t discriminate based on color.

Shape? Will the ovular be snobbish toward the rectangular blobs? At least the old human insult “you’re a square” will still be applicable.

Something else that will still be in play is the sad truth that as long as there are personalities in this world, there will be divisions based on however people judge that which makes us unique. Whether it be skin color, money, education, interests, or whatever, we will always branch off into sects of similar ideologies.

Is that sad, or human? That is up to our individual conscious to decide. Meanwhile, avoid the outdoors like the Plague. And down with ticks.

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Robert Roe