We gotta get out of this place

Robert Roe
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s Vacation time. A time when willing humans leave the safe confines of their homes to taunt Mother Nature, only to be given a Time Out in the form of injury, malady or perfidy. Look where our fellow Travelers like to vacate and see it you’d want to share the same fate as they.

The Beach. First discovered in the 1950s by Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello, later popularized by the Boys of The Beach (or Beach Boys, as they preferred to be called). Billed as a paradise of surf, sand and sun, this menace is home not only to voracious Sand Fleas that cause welts the size of half dollars, but also spooning Dolphins and Extra-Bitey Mutant Jellyfish. And did I mention the Sharks? No, not the musical dancing ragamuffins of West Side Story. These carnivores come out of the water only one week a year to do two things: star in Discovery Channel specials and eat people. And the production crew has done left town.

Perhaps you are going to the Woods for a camping vacation. Lions and Tigers and Bears aren’t the only things that will make you shriek, “Oh, My!” Ticks, wolves, the Poison Sisters (Ivy and Oak), fire ants, and any other number of perils await once you forsake your abode for some quality time in the Great Outdoors. Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

“Does a bear do WHAT in the woods?” Yes. Yes, they do. And you will, too, as you harken back to the days of our ancestors before the time of indoor plumbing. Grab the shovel, Grizzly Adams – it’s going to be a long week.

I haven’t even broached the lack of air conditioning, as well as the spiders, snakes, and other creepy-crawlies that make the forest their home. Eventually one of these delightful creatures will give you a proper woodland welcome by cuddling with you inside your sleeping bag. Welcome to the Jungle – we’ve got aches and pains.

Ah, a Visit with the Family. What better way to escape the drama of everyday life than by spending your vacation with relatives who have drama of their own and are ready to swap horror stories. Be it the Older Sibling whom EVERYONE loves, or the Baby of the family who gets away with murder, you’ll be stuck in the middle of it all, a tense reminder of why you left home in the first place.

The Resort. So named because it may be some poor soul’s Last Resort to vacation this way. Whether it be a Theme Park or the Caribbean, you are exchanging your workaday Hamster Wheel for a larger one populated with all the other people scurrying around to capture the same relaxing experience as you. On the bright side, you and your fellow revelers will provide valuable data to the aliens orbiting our planet studying humanity’s herd mentality.

So, as you’re sitting in your recliner eagerly planning your getaway, just remember that Vacation is outside, watching. And waiting.

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Robert Roe