Actually, the headline is misleading – this column has nothing to do with Dr. Dolittle.

April Fools!

With that out of the way, it’s time for today’s topic, which is talking animals. No, I am not going to discuss animals, I am going to zero in on animals that speak. Having grown up in the age of Mr. Ed, Francis the Talking Mule, the rogue’s gallery of Looney Toons and Merry Melodies, it was impossible not to be entertained by the antics of a Bugs Bunny or Michigan J. Frog.

The aforementioned amphibian was actually a one-off for Warner Brothers’ animation division. In the cartoon “One Froggy Evening,” a construction worker stumbles upon Michigan J. Frog, adorned with a top hat and a cane. MJ was able to sing ragtime hits while dancing like a vaudeville performer.

With visions of riches dancing in his head, the construction worker rushes to a talent scout, only to learn (the hard way) that the frog would only perform for him and no one else.

Another cartoon featured a guy who has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

That one got me looking for more talking animal jokes. Like this one: My 75-year-old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him. “Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!” Dad looked all around and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

“Hey mister,” said the frog. “A wicked witch cast a spell on me and turned me into an ugly frog. If you’ll just kiss me I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.”

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again, “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I said if you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.”

Dad replied, “I heard you, but at my age, I’d rather just have a talking frog!”

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. A horse walks into a bar. He’s a regular, so heads over to the stool where he always sits. But as he makes his way over, he notices there’s a cow sitting in his normal spot.

“Uh, I know you’re not a regular here,” he tells the cow, “But that’s my stool.” The cow doesn’t even look up from his beer. He just takes another sip. So the horse tries a second time.

“Hey I don’t mean to be rude,” the horse says. “But I’d really appreciate if you sat somewhere else. This is really my spot.” Again, no response from the cow. He doesn’t even acknowledge the horse’s existence. By now, the horse is really getting steamed at the cow.

“LISTEN BUDDY!” he says. “THIS IS MY SPOT AND YOU REALLY NEED TO MOVE OR THERE WILL BE TROUBLE!” At this, the cow suddenly jumps up and looks alarmed. “Oh my God!” the cow says. “A TALKING HORSE!”

I hope you have enjoyed your visit down the rabbit hole. Kindly show yourselves out, and have a great weekend.