Welcome To America — Just Play By The Rules

Robert Roe

I’m moving to Canada. It’s a beautiful country, the people are nice, and they make great beer. I don’t want to be bothered by showing proper ID at the border, though. Canadians might not like the fact that I hate hockey. I’ll go through someone’s back yard and enter that way. Get a job and settle down.

But wait — doesn’t some parts of Canada speak French? That’s stupid. I’m American. Don’t tell me to speak the native tongue. I have a good mind to protest. I’ll be contributing to the Canadian economy…so what if I come in illegally and refuse to abide by their laws? Stupid laws. After all, what’s illegal? I’m still trying to figure out what the definition of is is.

I’ll take the Stars and Stripes with me. Canadians need a reminder of how Americans contribute to their economy. Heck, their country would collapse if it weren’t for Americans who worked there. It’s time to take a stand. If I can just get my fellow Americans to join me, we’ll bring Canada to their knees.

Ridiculous? Not if you look at our own country. Sneak into America, refuse to adopt the laws, language and ways of the country into which you entered voluntarily (and illegally), then protest when someone takes offense.

Illegals (sorry-undocumented migrants) protesting. When was the last time you saw America’s jails empty out so criminals could decry not getting pay-per-view wrestling?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for immigration. Somewhere down the line, we’re all immigrants. What I do have a problem with is approaching the issue with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Why would someone come to America illegally to share in the American dream, then try to dismantle the laws of the country of which they claim they want to be a part?

When was the last time you let someone bull their way to the front of the line at the grocery store? In school when someone tried to jump queue, the teacher would put the kid in the back of the line. Unfortunately, our teacher is the government, and they’re so hungrily eyeing a possible 11 million strong voter bloc that they forget the 330 million people standing over their shoulder. It’s Congress as Janet Jackson, asking Americans “what have you done for me lately?” I guess the Left and Right’s graveyard and felon constituencies are running dry.

As we’ve been told until our ears bled, this is a mid-term election year. Not surprisingly, representatives are trying to work both sides of the immigration issue with the grace of a 300 pound Cirque Du Soleil aerialist. Can you imagine Paul Ryan or Nancy Pelosi in tights? Help—I’ve just gone blind.

Americans, meanwhile, are sitting by, letting it happen. It’s a takeover of our country without a shot being fired. Apathy as social policy. Just don’t pre-empt the Walking Dead.

That being said, give us your tired, your poor, and your hungry. Just don’t sneak in through the back door and raid the fridge. That’s rude.


Robert Roe