It’s not the fall that kills you (it’s the sudden stop)

Robert Roe

Better update your life insurance. For while Mother Nature is always pictured as some kind, benevolent lady with leaves sprouting out of her hair, she’s actually a psychopath just waiting to send you to your Great Reward. Sure, cancer and heart disease still rule the roost when it comes to helping people make an early exit from these mortal coils. But a clean bill of health apparently won’t save you from your clumsy, bumbling self. I recently read a study, citing numerous sources, giving the odds of how you could be killed. Grab a chair and, if that didn’t kill you, read your odds of an early trip to the harp farm:

—Sure, you look great on the dance floor, J-Lo. But you have a 1 in 246 chance of dying by falling down.

—Contrary to popular belief, your mother-in-law is not a force of nature. Nature, however, is. And you have a 1 in 3,357 chance of going out unnaturally thanks to it.

—Dragon breath your greatest concern when your Darth Vader alarm goes off in the morning? The odds of you taking a dirt nap by falling out of bed or off other furniture (like you haven’t had to sleep on the couch once or twice) is 4,745 to 1.

—You have a 1 in 100,000 chance of being killed by a snake, bee or other venomous bite or sting. And I mean real snakes and insects, not the media.

—Man’s best friend? Guess again, Dogmeat. Fido has one chance in 147,717 of being the architect of your demise. Think about that when Lassie tries to pump you for Beggin’ Strips.

—You stand a 1 in 200,000 chance of dying as the result of an asteroid impact (put the Prep H down, pumpkin, I said asteroid, not hemorrhoid).

—The bodies hidden well, Boris? If not, you stand a 1 in 58,618 chance of death by legal execution.

—Choking on these figures? Don’t wash it down with H20. There’s a 1 in 93,125 chance you’ll die due to contact with hot tap water. And you thought the lady who spilled hot coffee in her lap was faking.

—You mocked Chicken Little. He might have the last laugh. Chances are 1 in 250 million of you dying due to something falling out of the sky.

—Watch your step. You’ve got a 1 in 2.8 million chance of premature burial by falling into a hole. Of course, depending on how you’re living your life, it might take you closer to where you were headed, anyway.

Think about it. The odds might seem remote, but to paraphrase the lottery, somebody’s got to die. Might as well be you.

Morbid? Morose? Moribund? No really. It’s not as if any of us expect to get out of life alive. So sit back, crack open a slab of bacon with a sausage gravy chaser, and put on the feedbag. Given the odds, it could be your las

Robert Roe