Going [animal] crackers over PETA

Robert Roe
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The group PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, have outdone themselves this time. In the quest to make critters our co-equals, they have taken on a heavy hitter in the “are they pets/are they persons” debate: Barnum’s Animals crackers.

Having protested critters’ use in real circuses for decades, they have now brought low the Nabisco company for ensnaring their tasty animal shaped treats and holding them, like sardines in a can, in a box adorned with circus cages.

Obviously, a travesty such as this could not stand. So, the group who brought us Playboy Playmates wearing salad bikinis and the crusade to rename fish “Sea Kittens” went windmill tilting against the offensive century old carton of cookies.

In a letter to the offending company, PETA gravely said, “Given the egregious cruelty inherent in circuses that use animals and the public’s swelling opposition to the exploitation of animals used for entertainment, we urge Nabisco to update its packaging in order to show animals who are free to roam in their natural habitats.”

What PETA did not realize, in their zeal to free globs of stylized dough from the confines of a cardboard container designed like Cirque du Soliel’s dressing room was that Nabisco would go literal in their effort to be true to an animal’s nature. The company consulted the world’s leading anthropologists and re-imagined the franchise as God intended. Imagine the delight of prepubescent snackers feasting on crispy lions goring a helpless gazelle. Or the tasty treat of an alligator snapping its crippling jaw around a wild boar as it tried to get a life-giving sip of water. Nom nom nom!

By the way, for the sarcasm impaired, that last bit was a joke. The redesigned box is a utopia of animals enjoying life on the grassland. Yet who will weep for the dough giraffe as it goes down the esophagus of a sugar-deprived toddler?

Again, just a joke. Like the joke PETA perpetrates when it purports to be all about the animals. Visit “petakillsanimals.com” to see some of the fun things the group does in the name of adorable varmints. According to one report, up to 95.9 percent of animals under the “care” of PETA were killed in just one year. There are no number of stunts (such as the time the group “barbecued” a human being outside of a conference of the National Cattleman’s Beef Association) to wash that blood away.

Need more? According to research from Dr. Daniel Kovich with the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, adoption rates at one PETA shelter dropped from 14 percent in 2004 to 0.7 percent in 2009.

The report breaks it down further, showing that of the 2317 dogs and cats in PETA’s shelter, 99.3 percent were killed.

While PETA activists are covering themselves in fake blood, wrapping themselves in plastic and laying on sidewalks like a steak, the creatures they presume to protect are dying in large numbers at their hands.

So. Who’s the animal now?

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Robert Roe