Ring, ring … it’s for you

Robert Roe

I was in the theater recently and I must say, really enjoyed the soundtrack. No, not the movie’s soundtrack. The musical ditty I heard came courtesy of a fellow patron’s cell phone. Apparently, an issue of apocalyptic proportions arose that could only be solved with their intervention. Meanwhile, outside in the real world, people were living, dying, waking up, going to sleep, all without the benefit of their sage advice courtesy of their new iPhone.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason the cavemen didn’t survive was because they didn’t get the call that T-Rex was coming. They obviously were too busy watching the latest cave painting titled Ice Age: Collision Course, and subsequently became lunch.

It used to be the only person talking to themselves in the theatre was the local weird person (Every town has one — if you have to ask, it’s probably you).

It’s bad enough to have your car cut off by some multitasker talking with one hand, eating with the other, and steering with their toes. But having the sound in the movie you paid good money for cut off by people who wouldn’t know how to be considerate if a book on the subject smacked them in the face is too much.

I have a simple request. Before you incur the scorn of your fellow citizens (which you will undoubtedly not notice because your earhole will be noticeably attached to your cell), ask yourself these questions:

1. Does sectarian violence in Wedonia need your negotiating skills?

2. Do you hold the last Infinity Stone preventing Thanos from annihilating half the universe?

3. Are you holding the nuclear football for the President?

4. Did Timmy fall down a well?

5. Is it the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, two outs, your team is down by one, and you’ve been called up to pinch-hit and save the day?

6. Is the bus going 55 mph with a bomb on board, and if it goes any slower will it explode?

7. Is the Joker on the loose in Gotham, Batman?

8. Is Adam sick and Maroon 5 needs you to fill in lead vocals at Madison Square Gardens?

9. Has the donor heart just come in and you’re needed in the Operating Room immediately?

10. Is Blofeld threatening the world again, Mr. Bond?

11. Has the starship Enterprise encountered another temporal anomaly, Captain?

12. Is Leroy Jethro Gibbs defusing a bomb and can’t decide whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire?

If the answer to these questions is no, turn off your phone, have a seat, and let the people around you listen to the conversation they paid to hear — the one on the screen.

Unfortunately, that appears to be wishful thinking. It looks like a person’s only real rest will come by taking a dirt nap. Some techno geek in Tokyo or Silicon Valley is probably working on a way to steal that slice of peace from us, too.

And another thing … oh, gotta go. My cell’s ringing.


Robert Roe