Ho-hum, just another Sunday morning. I received an email from a person named Alan Walker, letting me know $3 million had been donated to Yours Truly. After the disappointment of coming up short in last week’s $522 million Mega Millions jackpot (I won two dollars), a gift of a few mil was a welcome surprise.
Especially since, in expectation of winning a half billion dollars, I went on an online spending spree, incurring debt larger than some small countries. The three million will come in handy to pay interest on those purchases.
Not to say I spent beyond my means, or more accurately counted my chickens before they hatched, but the last couple of days have been filled returning more items than a family of twelve after an unfortunate Christmas gift exchange. From the Virtual Reality suite in the basement to my Six Million Dollar Man television revival project and the personal Haunted House attraction I designed for my back yard, I said a solemn adieu to, as Bethany Sparks once wrote, the objects of my material affection.
Gone were the private performances from Duran Duran, which really bummed me since, if that was successful, I was going to hire Blue Man Group. Say goodbye to the dream meal personally prepared by the best chef in the world, whoever that may be. The menu? A succulent bacon double cheeseburger with a hint of mustard and onions, with a side of burnt to a crisp shoestring fries. And a frosty beer. Or two.
Instead, I will have to settle on the life three million dollars will afford. Now that Alan has infused a trio of a thousand thousand bucks into my wallet, I think I’ll redirect my financial focus.
When I had the expected $522 million coming, I promised my co-workers a million dollars each, after tax. My family would be taken care of, naturally. On the condition that I won. A certainty of which I was extremely certain.
Now that those numbers have been pared considerably, family and friends will have to be content with gifted Season One DVDs of “The Curse of Oak Island.” If we can’t win the fortune, we can enjoy watching the Lagina Brothers search for a windfall of their own.
I did not make a pact with anyone Upstairs or Down Below to win the grand prize. If I cannot win fairly, I’d rather not win at all. Besides, don’t you think the hot lines to both Heaven and Hell were ringing off the wall by people ready to offer their souls, their first born and more to win a half billion dollars?
Now, all I must do is click the link to confirm my millions. Upon further scrutiny, Alan Walker is a name that inspires confidence. Considering the disappointment I had in a financial deal with Nigerian Royalty a few years ago, I have learned to be more careful when it comes to things financial.
Because, Gentle Reader, a fool and his money are soon parted.