Ripped (off) from today’s headlines

Robert Roe

If you only listen to the national media, the world is revolving around Trump, Trade and Trans issues. Important as they are, let us take a step back and cover other news you might have missed this week.

For starters, the Scientific Community finally caught up with centuries of childhood and arrived at the conclusion that dirt is good for you. And not just for middle aged mud baths at your favorite spa. According to a study from the University of Chicago, dirt helps children develop immune systems. Now, if only science could eliminate the need for cootie shots.

From the nation that brought you the Ghost Whisper comes the latest in relaxation therapy: The Snake Whisperer, or should I say Hissperer. From Poughkeepsie, New York via WCBS, meet Serpentessa, an “interspecies facilitator.” The Lizard Queen helps you get over your fear of snakes while the slithering biblical Downfall of Man meanders over your body, eliciting oohs, ahhhs and probably the occasional eek.

Speaking of snakes, the braniacs at CNN posed this question: Nelson Mandela would have been 100 today. How would he have handled Donald Trump? No word on how Napoleon, Atilla the Hun, the Marquis de Sade nor Nostradamus would have handled the President. An Anderson Cooper five-part expose must be on the horizon.

From the “Hannibal Lecter, Cleanup In Aisle Five Department”: A Texas woman is getting chewed out by authorities after she allegedly bit off and swallowed part of another person’s nose. All because, after a night of drinking, her friend declined to give the woman more hooch. All the victim could remember was “the taste of blood in (her) mouth.” And a sudden aversion to garlic.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Old Blighty, London has surpassed itself in the tourist attraction department. Big Ben is so yesterday. The London Eye, the day before that. The new hotness is a ginormous statue of an almost shirtless Jeff Goldblum posed as he was in that oft screen captured setting in 1993’s “Jurassic Park.” Located on the banks of the River Thames by London’s Tower Bridge, the Goldblum, in all his 25-foot shirtless glory, might cause a traffic snafu or two. Chaos, indeed, Dr. Malcolm. Chaos, indeed.

Apparently, even supposedly healthy foods can sicken you. Inside Edition recently ran a story about Fried Rice Syndrome (yes, it’s a thing), and how to avoid it. Stay with me – apparently when rice is left to cool so it doesn’t clump, bacteria can start to develop and make you sick.

The solution? Cool the rice quickly and add in the fixins for a safe, tasty meal.

Curses! Archaeologists are contending with curses since unearthing a 2,000-year-old black sarcophagus in Alexandria, Egypt. The public warned the scientists that should they open the Mummy’s coffin, the resulting curse could wreak havoc upon the world.

UPDATE: The bones of Alexander the Great were not found when the coffin was opened Thursday. And the Earth still rotates on its axis. Our DEFCON level has been restored to Five – please go about your business.

Robert Roe